my thoughts

a place for me to vent and share my innermost thoughts; hasty and unedited (possible cw!)

7/23/2020. 10:36pm

(im so tired so please ignore all the incoherent-ness) my dad took my computer today so i don't really have anyway to be on my site and the internet in general which sucks :/. i foumd his old laptop but realized i really need to make my site responsive!!! i'm working on it but it's hard and it seems like none of the stuff i find on like w3schools actually works (it's probably just me doing something wrong tho lol) anyway it's making me sad cause i always get very emotionally attached to my sites and now it's not working???? so yeah i need to figure that out. anyway, my dad and i got in a really big fight today and i told him i hated him so later i apologized cause i felt like hell about it but i don't think he really cared. also my stepmom was really curt the entire time she was home and it was shitty. tomorrow we're going to the mountains and i'm kinda excited? i won't bring any electronics except for maybe my mp3 player. hopefully ill get my phone fixed next week. ok good note? idk. well ok that was anticlimactic. bye. xx, lu

under this line are entries from my old site



i spent all day today working on another website!!!! i'm really proud of it and i had to learn a bunch of css so... cool, right? it's gonna look super cool, i'm so excited. so anyway im in a very good mood beause of that. i used to always think i didnt like to code because of the way my dad taught me when i was a kid (classic it guy) but it's so much fun figuring out how to solve problems and stuff. im also not using a manual or anything bc i'd get bored so it's like learning a language through immersion!! (note to self: make a list of all the things you wanna add.) anyway, it's gonna look so snazzy and nice compared to this site. i doubt anyone cares abt it but im very excited to show everyone!!! ok, bye now!! xx, lu (ps. i'm going to get around to updating my music page, but maybe on there! sorry... ok bye!

7/21/2020. 10:56am

aaaand i'm back! my site was down (kinda) for a while because of a stupid ass mistake i made- if you saw that and cared, i'm really really sorry!!

anyway, i started reading on the road and it's very good so far. making me think about wanting to leave again, but it's ok. i want to be able to travel and explore and meet people (real people) but idk how. it feels like everyone's rushing to get settled and find good paying jobs. i don't wanna sound NoT LikE oThEr GiRlS, but i really don't wanna be like them. i want to be real and alive. it reminds me of a quote from maurice (the book- just listened to it on yt cause i couldn't find a pdf online) where the main character talks about how he feels like the only person who is someone, you know? like everything else is just a smokescreen he's looking out on. (kinda- i don't remember the exact quotes). i guess i kinda feel like can't meaningfully interact with people. only J and K. they're my best friends, but i barely talk to them anymore. J also goes to a different school. idk, i talk to S and T all the time, but i feel like they don't get it. i don't know why i don't trust people. i can't talk to A because she doesn't like me. she did a really good job of making me think she cared, though. so did E. i don't know if any of that was my fault. i can't talk to L. i know it's sitty of me not to, especially since i was the one to text her after months, but i can't bring myself to do it. at first i just didn't want to hurt her. now i know that i am. i warned you. i really did. reminds me of that quote from kill your darlings about the things you love following you or destroying you. except i don't know what being in love feels like. i think i always manage to convince myself that i do, but i don't know if it's ever been true. (haha, that rhymes)

anyway, i've been thinking about religion a lot lately. i think i believe in god, and my dad's catholic (though i wasn't baptized) so i've been researching. thing is, i don't think i'll ever be able to reconcile who i am with who religion wants me to be. and i don't think you need religion to have good morals. the humanists do it- so why can't i? i just try to be kind. i really do.

my cat's here! my phone's broken right now, but as soon as it's fixed i'll upload a picture of her. idk if anyone will care, but if you do i'd love for you to see her. she makes me happy so i can only assume she does the same for others- which is stupid, i know

ok, well, i think i'll end this on a more positive note, so if you're still reading, buckle your seatbelt! i just wanna say thanks to everyone on neocities who's looked at my site or followed me (i even got one comment which was so nice i almost cried!!!!) everyone is so welcoming and nice and creative!!

ok, bye for now! xx, lu

update. 2:37pm i wanna be liked i wanna be liked i wanna be liked i wanna be liked. i want people to fall in love with me and i wanna have control. i wanna be mysterious and well spoken and poetic and different

update 2. 3:46pm my dad's moving around a lot and i don't know why?? and i think he went into my bathroom and was slamming doors around i feel like i did something wrong? he's being so loud. he wants to go to costco later but C said we were going driving? if i go with him i can read in the car but i'm scared he's mad. also costco is scary :/

update 3. 6:33pm i went for the drive and it was alright even though i scratched up the car a little? C wasn't even that mad. also i noticed that on my about page i wrote "you're" instead of "your" and i changed it but it made me sad :////. also i saw someone's blog and they mentioned that they had inconsistent grammar and my brain is trying to convince me that it's about that typo even though that doesn't make sense. these updates are so incredibly scatterbrained im sorry. anyway, i wanna make a stickerbook/cool shit page for more materialistic stuff so that i dont crowd the rest of my site. ok bye.. really excited to update my music page tmr but i'm being patient!!

7/20/20. 11:27am

(oops, just realized i'm updating twice in one day, technically) i never keep up with projects long enough. i think that’s, partially, why i created this site. maybe if I have a place to vent, I’ll keep up with it. i’m not sure.i always feel like such a fraud. i’ve only ever drawn blood once. and it was a few days ago, and kinda scary, so I haven’t done anything at all since then. i know that’s a good thing. well, I think it’s a good thing. my brain tells me that I want to stay sad. i try, though: i clean my room and sit on the deck. it’s overwhelming, though. like when you keep re-reading a book or re-watching a show and when it’s over you just. can’t stop. and when you’re back inside or getting in bed, the happy feeling goes away. i wish i were more eloquent. i’m sorry. i’ll post some poetry on here later, maybe. it might make me feel less shitty about my abilities. my dad doesn’t get it. he’s always nagging me to go outside, like that’ll fix everything. you think I don’t want to be able to go on walks and hang out with my friends without feeling awful? yesterday, he took a picture of me on the hike. when I mentioned that I thought I looked “short and wide” (i feel like they would’ve been mad if I’d said fat) they seemed bewildered; my stepmom insisted that it must’ve been the “aspect ratio”. lmao. i wish my mom were still around; maybe she’d get it. i can’t do anything anymore without having intrusive thoughts. i always feel neurotic as hell.i want to delete my social media. i love my friends. i love talking to them. i really do. but I don’t have the energy to keep up with it anymore, and no one ever talks to me anyway. everyone always says that getting your feelings out on paper makes them easier to bear. it always exacerbates shit for me. anyway, bye.xx, lu.

7/20/2020. 1:15am

lately i've been getting the urge to disappear again (not in a kms way, pls don't report this)- or, at least, change my name and my wardrobe and catch the midnight train to somewhere else. (not that there are any trains where i live). i want to be someone else, mostly. which i suppose isn't too weird- i mean, who hasn't given in to that good ol' teen agnst, amirite?- but for some reason i've managed to convince myself that if i close myself off and be all dramatic and irresistible, i'll somehow be happier. i know i'd be sad. it's not like i've never isolated myself before. and anyway, i'm such a dumbass hopeless romantic. it'd never work. but man, do i want to be a character. i feel like shit writing this. everything's gotten worse since two weeks ago. i don't really wanna write out what happened. i know, anyway. we went on a hike today, and i thought about the whole "my-parents-outed-me-in-eighth-grade-and-now-don't-trust-them" thing as always. (god, i'm so predictable). it sucks. and what sucks more is that they forgot. i don't feel like i can trust anyone these days, really. i don't get it. it's that feeling you get when people who should be mean to you aren't. like "are they just pretending as a way to like, secretly make fun of me?" but with every little thing people do. i know i'm not the most well-read or the most motivated or the most innately talented but i've always tried, at least, to be kind. i feel like that's not going too well at the moment.

anyway, i'm not going to re-read this until tomorrow. it's always better not to wallow. maybe i should end this on a high note? idk how